


The Transporter

by ussdawntreader



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-08-17
Updated: 2008-08-17
Packaged: 2017-12-13 17:44:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/827049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ussdawntreader/pseuds/ussdawntreader
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically this is what would happen if Jason Statham was cast as the Doctor, and everyone's dreams came true.</p><p>"Transportation is a precise business."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Transporter

**Author's Note:**

> **Notes:** I was shocked to learn that Jason Statham was in consideration for 11. And even more shocked when I realised I'd like it. YOU KNOW YOU WANT HIM TO TRANSPORT YOU.

**one.** [Duffy - Mercy (Remix feat. The Game)](http://www.mediafire.com/?lfeostzevzt)

_i don’t know what this is_  
but you got me good  
just like you knew you would  
i don’t know what you do  
but you do it well  
i’m under your spell 

Every regeneration is a revelation.

When the Doctor opens his eyes, the first thing he sees is the Chameleon Arch. He sits up and rolls out his joints, feeling the abrupt differences: more muscles, less hair. His pinstripe suit won’t fit him now, he thinks regretfully.

He manages to peel off the suit and find a better fitting one in the TARDIS’ wardrobe – dark, sleek, expensively made. He makes a face at himself in the mirror, examining his rough features and lamenting the absence of hair. 

After a thorough self-examination, he sets the controls for Earth 2010, the plan already formed in his brain.

 **two.** [The Hush Sound - Honey](http://www.mediafire.com/?hwodxklulgm)

_spin your body around_  
now your feet are gonna hit the ground  
i am growing sleepless  
and you're out of lullabies 

Donna is filing her nails at her desk when a stranger in a suit walks in. She has a momentary flash of déjà vu but it passes quickly and she smiles her professional smile at him.

“Donna Noble.” The stranger’s voice is gravely and deep and Donna’s ovaries are definitely taking notice.

“Can I help? Are you here for a meeting?” She tries to tone down the wattage of her smile, but it’s not quite working.

He reaches across the desk and takes her hand and she hopes he doesn’t notice that the nail on her index finger is broken.

“I’m the Doctor,” he says, matter-of-factly. “Come with me if you want to live.”

 

 **three.** [Joplin – The Entertainer](http://www.mediafire.com/?xjcdw0upcys)

“Oi, listen, I could get sacked for this … where are we going? Hell- _oo_?”

She stops her ongoing stream of talk, aimed at his back. He’s not running, not in those designer shoes, but he’s moving quickly enough to force her to scurry to keep up. And she’s not used to moving like this anymore, not after months of sitting behind a desk for seven hours a day.

Anymore? Donna never plays catch-up with anyone but racing to keep up with this doctor feels so familiar. Then her brain gives a little pulse and then it feels like it’s exploding and she gasps, stumbling.

He catches her before she falls, this Doctor, and it’s like her entire life is passing before her eyes, like every clichéd near-death experience. But this isn’t her life, it can’t be – spaghetti-faced monsters, fat babies, flesh-eating dust, more knowledge and more memories than she’s ever had. Aliens and space and time and a face that she recognises – (how could she forget?) – long nose, thin lips, rooster hair.

Her mind continues to expand, like its own universe, even within the confines of her skull. 

All of a sudden, she shakes him off and then flicks her hair back, straightening her suit. 

“All right, alien boy, what’s the plan?”

 **four.** [David Holmes – Shit! Shit! Shit!](http://www.mediafire.com/?49u0sz5e9mo)

The plan is relatively simple, as far as heists go. Donna’s seen Ocean’s 11 so she thinks she knows how this works, but there’s a little more at stake here. And obviously, it’s a little more complicated with alien technology involved and they haven’t the time to set up a really elaborate one. And the Doctor, appealing though his new body is, is no George Clooney.

It was Donna’s idea to include Jack, and not just because she wanted to see him again. She just thought they could benefit from someone with experience with cons. Really.

Jack grins at her and the new Doctor and she looks at them both and thinks she’s luckiest girl in the universe. Then she pushes her lustful thoughts aside in order to concentrate on business/survival.

After they reiterate their parts one more time, Jack dons his false moustache and Donna straightens her nun’s habit, and they all go their separate ways.

 **tell me that you love me more.** [Weezer – Buddy Holly](http://www.mediafire.com/?8tw8caaopud)

_woo-ee-oo i look just like buddy holly_  
oh-oh, and you're mary tyler moore  
i don't care what they say about us anyway  
i don't care 'bout that 

There are five steps to the heist that Donna knows. It’s hard enough to fool a Time Lord without letting bits of information slip. The Doctor drops her off and tells her that she has three minutes to wait until the target arrives.

It’s Gallifrey, a few years before the Time War, the sky is orange and the view is beautiful. Donna is lying on the grass and hoping vaguely that the Doctor didn’t muck up the logistics so that target lands on her. Just as her back is relaxing, she hears the sound of a familiar engine. It’s quieter, but still detectable and Donna knows that she’s in the right place.

Hitching up her breathing, she swears violently. The door opens to reveal a woman with sandy blonde hair. She looks at Donna with a hint of cynicism and says to her Tardis, “A pregnant nun. Remember when those used to be all the rage?”

Donna lets out a wail of agony in response. In her peripheral vision, she can see Jack quietly sneak into the woman’s Tardis, the key to the Doctor’s clearly displayed as a gesture of good intent.

The Time Lady moves to assist Donna in her supposed pregnancy, producing a stethoscope and checking vital organs. Just as Jack leaves the Tardis, giving Donna the thumbs-up sign, the woman says sorrowfully, “I’m sorry, but I don’t hear a second heartbeat. Your baby is no longer alive.”

Donna lets out another wail, praying as she does so that karma won’t be too big of a bitch. The woman runs back into the Tardis to fetch something, just as the Doctor said she would, and Donna uses the opportunity to press the trans-mat button to get back to the Doctor’s Tardis.

“Success?” she asks, panting slightly from the disorienting feeling of her molecules reforming.

“Success,” Jack assures her with a dazzling smile.

The Doctor has his screwdriver in his mouth, but he makes a noise of confirmation, as he hooks up the stolen apparatus to his ship

Suddenly, Donna is overcome with a wave of crippling pain. Her hands fly to her head as if to contain it.

“Doctor!” Jack shouts, rushing to her side. The Doctor ignores him, finishing the last few configurations before he places it on Donna’s head. She looks up at him squarely. “This had better work. There’s a lot that I want to do with him.” She gestures at Jack, who grins inappropriately, before remembering that she might be about to die.

“It will,” he says brusquely. He flips the switch on the side and stands back as the Chameleon Arch does its job.

 **six.** [Amy MacDonald - Run](http://www.mediafire.com/?5xigdtfaji1)

_but i will run until my feet no longer run no more_  
and i will kiss until my lips no longer feel no more  
and i will laugh until my heart it aches  
and i will love until my heart it breaks  
and i will love until there’s nothing more to live for 

 

The Doctor waits, knowing that his plan will pan out, yet terrified that it won’t. He waits for confirmation stoically, as Donna writhes in pain on the floor. It’s impossible for him to tell if the pain is from her brain’s attempt to amalgamate the Time Lord consciousness into her body or from the Chameleon Arch rewriting her DNA.

It seems like hours until it’s finished. As the seconds tick by, the Doctor fears the worst, but suddenly, there it is. As quick as a blink, it’s at the edge of his consciousness, the knowledge that there is another Time Lord in the universe, in real time. He’s not alone anymore.

“Oh, my head,” she moans, sitting up slowly. She pats herself down starting with her head. Everything there seems to be the same. Same hair, anyway. She moves down, examining her arms and torso. She puts two hands on her chest and looks up at the Doctor in wonder.

“Doctor, I’ve – I’ve got -” She grabs Jack’s hands and slams them onto her chest. “Feel that!”

It takes him a second. Then: “Two hearts! You’re a Time Lord!”

“Oi! Time _Lady_ , thank you very much.” She runs into the Doctor’s arms, hugging him tight. “Thank you, Doctor.” She leans back to look at him, grinning fiercely, and plants one on him.

He feels a rush of energy, Time Lord to Time Lord, one that he never thought he’d feel again. He lets her go and looks from Jack to Donna, and for the first time since he regenerated, feels up to saving the universe.

 

IDK GUISE IN THE NEXT ONE MAYBE HE FIGHTS ALIEN NINJAS AND SAMURAI?


End file.
